Sunday, 11 July 2010
I'm involving myself in the drama around here and the madness in my own mind too much. You'd think it'd be enough for me just living inside my fucked-up brain, but I guess not. It's what I call a distraction from the disaster I'm supposed to call sanity, the only problem, it only works when I'm completely focused. And my attention span wavers constantly.
I've always told myself that I write for myself and no one else, but I've always questioned my own motives. What kind of life am I leading if I'm doubting myself and can't figure out the goddamn answer? I couldn't tell you what I wanted out of life, other than to die, and I question that as well. If I really wanted to die I wouldn't still be here. I'd have grown a spine and killed myself with it by now.
I say I write for myself but I'm not entirely truthful, of course I seek feedback. I'm not an island, much as I'd like to be. I'd like my own insane company to be all I needed, but after a while the skeletons have nothing left to say that I want to hear. So I go searching elsewhere and that usually happens to be here. I sit down with my headphones on to shut the skeletons up and I pour what I consider to be my heart and soul into these words that amount to, honestly, nothing.
You won't remember me when I'm gone. And I don't expect you to. I won't remember you, either. At least it isn't likely I will. Some of you, maybe. The rest could vanish tomorrow and I wouldn't notice for weeks, if ever. But honestly, what does it matter if someone remembers you or not? That doesn't change anything. It doesn't do anything. You just sit there nostalgic, remembering a past moment you'll never reclaim.
This is why I seek distractions because I can't bear thinking these thoughts. I'd be better if I just didn't write all of this nonsense and left it to sit and rot inside my mind. It would decay slowly and painfully, but at least it would decay. Instead I've immortalized my madness over the years and allowed myself a place of windows where I can look back and take a glimpse at what has passed. Sometimes I remember in full clarity and HD color, other times the moment is so lost on my brain that I'll never reclaim it, even for a nostalgic moment or two.
Why am I writing this? Because I'm bored and more and more people are leaving and I'm afraid I all ready lost myself a long time ago. Some days I just want to fall into the black abyss that is my insanity and let it have me completely, but every time I get close to jumping off the ledge I pull myself back because I'm still human and I'm not ready to give up yet.
Today I just want to see if I could fly over the abyss.